Being A Godparent

This little boy is my Monster Mash. He is my best friends four year old, and is the most precious boy in the world. Is he perfect? Nope. But neither am I. Tonight is the first night I am getting to actually spend some one on one time with him, and he is finally chilling out, and watching Hotel Transylvania 2 like the awesome kid he is. Plus, it is my favorite movie too. What else could a person ask for? 

He wanted to eat Watermelon with his spoon. So I let him, and watched him smile and laugh. It made my whole day. He enjoyed coming and cuddling with me on the couch, and chilling out. We have watched movies together, and drank our sodas. Just being a godparent to this baby boy makes my little pains go away just for this short time. It sets my heart into a nice and steady beat and makes me feel calmer than I was before. 
The best part of being his godmom is that he always knows when I am feeling down. When I am not at my best. And he always knows just what to do to make me smile. Because, outwardly, I will never show him my sadness or my pain. I want to make him smile and keep him laughing. But he knows. He always does even when he can’t see it. And he does what he knows will make me laugh. And that cheers me up. 
I just love my short stack. 


It’s Kicking In Now

I knew it was going to happen. The moment my anxiety and my depression kicked in full gear. I guess I had this slight hope that maybe if I kept myself busy, stayed focused on something, just maybe it wouldn’t. See, I have severe anxiety. And I do mean severe. Not but maybe two weeks ago I was placed in the ER because my anxiety attack was so bad everyone thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t function. I could barely even understand what was going on at the time. I knew I needed the help, but I couldn’t ask for it. I just knew something was wrong.  I had never had an anxiety attack so severe before. So this was making it worse, and causing my body to react horribly with what was going on. 
That night I barely remember everything that happened. I remember my friend coming to the hospital to check on me. To make sure they were doing what they were supposed to. He told me later that with me being barely even coherent enough to speak, that it took them almost an hour before seeing me, and that he nearly lost it. I am just glad that it hadn’t been anything more serious than what it actually was, or I could have actually been in some trouble with the service I got in that hospital that night. The sad thing was, he worked there, and said the hospital hadn’t actually been so busy to not get seen. The ranting of a scared friend, but one I treasure immensely. 
Now, everything is hitting really hard. I am stressing about everything that could be stressed about. My head is constantly running with a migraine, or some type of pain lately. I have been struggling with letting people know I am not okay. That I am not happy. That I don’t feel like anyone cares. And I don’t truly know how to say it here, either. But I am trying. I am trying, for my peace of mind maybe, to speak what I haven’t been able to speak before. To maybe let others in to see what is running through my mind. 
I guess I am just so tired. So tired of struggling on my own. Of feeling so alone. Of feeling like everyone has someone, and I have no one. Of caring for everyone else, but no one is there to care for me. That is the main feeling. Or feelings. Of being tired and alone. Of being sad and being completely done with everything that is around me. I’m just not sure how else to describe it or what else it is that I can do. Not anymore really. 

Helping Others In Need. 

So, early I saw a Facebook post about a man drowning in a lake, or pond, and there were men on the bank who heard him yelling for assistance, and no one helped him. Yelling at him and telling him the gators were going to get him, he was going to die, and all of that. But for what? And, even as the man was taking his last gulps of air, they continued to record. Continued to ignore this mans pleas for help. There was no cutting the video off, and calling for help, or anything. No one wanted to go in the water to help, because of the gators that could be in there. 

For me, this video made my heart ache for so many reasons. I hate seeing someone who is unable to help themselves get hurt. I hate seeing a lack of sympathy, and a lack of just humanliness to even want to help someone in that type of dire need. 

As I showed in the pictures above, I questioned why no one could stop videoing to help. Even if they didn’t get in the water, they could have at least called for help on their phones. It was the guy commenting below me that truly made me smile. Saying that me jumping in the water to help the man irregardless of the gators was way more than what he would do. Believe me, I don’t want to get eaten by a gator, but seeing someone distressed like that, I would try. And I’d try calling 911 before ever jumping in. Never know if my happy ass doesn’t make it out. 
This was just something that kind of set my teeth on edge. From the people recording, and watching him die. To the comments of many others on the video saying how it is nothing to be sad about, or anything of consequence. I just don’t see how people can be so cold hearted and calloused about something like this. But, once again, that is just me. 
Anyhow, I just felt like sharing this, and letting some of my frustration out. 

Gratitude In Life

I have always wanted more in life. More money, more clothes, more food, etc. I have always thought that having more of the good things was what made life that much better. But, when I finally started to have some gratitude for what I had, things began to change for me. 
Yeah, I could want more of a lot of different things. Wanting something isn’t going to make it happen. But I began to appreciate what I had. To love that I was taken care of, and had what I NEEDED more than anything else. Is it hard some days to be grateful? Hell yeah it is. Especially if I feel like I’m just not doing well enough on my own. But you know what? I could be doing worse. 
My grandpa always told me that it isn’t what you want that matters. What matters is being grateful for what you already have and to treasure it because not everyone will have that. I’m lucky to have what I do. No matter how much of anything I have. 
With today being such a hot day, and the house is finally quiet and cooled off, I have been able to read some, and to write. To let my feelings out, and to just go into my own little piece of heaven. I treasure all of these little moments. These little pieces of heaven. And I will probably write another little entry before I hit the hay for the night. 🙂 
One of these days, I believe I will have more than what I do now. And that will be fine. But, for right now, I am truly content with everything that I have. I really and truly am. Because everything that I have is a part of me, and a part of the journey of my life. 🙂 

Someone New 

For a while, I hadn’t really been focusing too much on dating. For me, dating takes energy, and an effort to be put forth that I haven’t really felt like putting forth. I have been drained, and so worn out from the rush of things going on in my life that I hadn’t paid the slightest attention to anyone who could be a perspective date. Until here just a little while back. 
I met Alex while I was working, and he seemed quiet and gentle when he talked to me. I felt an immediate attraction from hearing his French accent, and hearing his laugh. He had a way about him that pulled me in, and I was curious about him. Of course, me being me, I didn’t ask for his number, nor give him mine. People come in and out of my store, so I left it at that. He normally comes in everyday, and gets something, but I have never really talked to him. 
He kept coming into the store every single day, but he began talking to me more and more. It would go from five minutes to maybe thirty. While I worked, he would talk. He asked me questions, and made me laugh. I could feel myself being more and more intrigued by this man named Alex. So, finally, after a week of us talking, and I became comfortable with him not being a sociopath, I plucked up the courage, and gave him my cell number. 

I have never been more intrigued by someone. To know their likes and dislikes. To hear their laugh, and see their smile. Nearly every day, he says something that will make me laugh. He isn’t perfect. Or my version of Mr. Right. He is who he is, and I accept that whole heartedly. Because all of us have faults, and we just have to find someone who accepts them, and is willing to be by our side. 
We have many obstacles of things we will have to overcome yet. There are arguements to be had, and bad days to go with those. But the best part, is that there will be more good days than bad. And those are the days that I look forward to the most. 

Beginning To Write A Book? 

So, here is my question everyone since I can’t seem to really grasp it myself. If you’re beginning to write your own book, how do you go about doing it? Are there specific ways to start it off, or a way to grasp the readers attention? I have been having writers block on how to get it started, and no idea to where it should begin at. 
I have been trying to start a Romance, and see if I can get into it, but the whole thing is just not coming out the way I would have imagined it to. Does anyone have any helpful tips, or any ideas on how to get passed this? I would greatfully appreciate the help. 🙂 

Moving On

I suppose my biggest obstacle right now is moving on, and realizing I’m going to be just fine. I love being happy, and I love smiling and laughing. To be able to just know that my life is going to get better. It is why I have decided that I’m not going to allow myself to fall into self-pity. A break up is a break up, and though the circumstances of this break up were fairly ugly, I will continue to smile, and move forward. 
It has really been eye opening for me to have become single, and being the one who begins just picking the broken pieces up, and putting the back together. I am by no means completely healed, or miraculously recovered but I am getting there. There is something to say about how time heals all wounds. And I’m sure, given sufficient time, my wounds will have healed, and I’ll be all the better for it. 

I feel like the whole relationship was a really good lesson for me, and helped me grow more than anything. I’m no longer sad, or even angry, but more to the realization that there are just some things in life that I will never truly understand. And that is completely okay. 🙂 
I hope everyone has an amazing day, and that y’all are enjoying the great weather! 🙂 

Rising Up

I loved you. 

I gave you everything. 

Only to be left with nothing. 

The pain was excruciating. 

I cried when you left. 

I never felt so alone. 

Especially in my own home. 

To have loved someone so much. 

Then to have your heart crushed. 

It was so hard to move on. 

To stay standing strong. 

But I rose up and smiled again. 

I began being happy, making new friends. 

I found the me that I lost. 

I found myself once more. 

Rising from the ashes settling on the floor. 

You were a great lesson. 

It all happened for a good reason. 

At the time I was to blind to see. 

But you were just helping create a better, and stronger me. 

Stand Your Ground

So, this last little bit has been what my dad calls, “a shit storm,” of events, and having a lot of ugly talks with people. By no means, do I care who, or what, you do, or what your opinion is, or who you voted for. I’m not going to judge you, or bash you for being who you are. Or for standing your ground, and supporting in what you believe is right. If, however, the opposite is given to me? Then we will have the issue of me no longer associating with you. I won’t even be ugly about it. 

I’m tired from work. I’m tired of seeing so many negative things going on right now. This world needs to be more positive and let go of all the negativity. Nothing good is ever accomplished by having a negative mindset. Ever. Move on, and move forward. Be together, and support and love one another. Together we can accomplish much more than what would happen with us divided. 

We need to be united, and we need to all learn we will have different opinions. We are all so uniquely different, that it is just how it is. But we have the choice to love one another irregardless. Believe me, it is hard, but I’d rather keep my friends and family close, than to lose them to differences that we have. 

I hope y’all are having an amazing day and I love y’all, and will write more later today. 🙂 

Writing To Just Write

I end up writing at times just to do it. I never really need a good reason, or much else to just start writing. I ended up laying on my couch, the sun was peaking through the blinds, and I just felt like writing. My heart has become lighter, my days brighter, and I felt like rejoicing. It has begun to slowly get better. 

My happiness was once related to making everyone around me happy. I have begun making myself happy first. My own happiness is important as well. Just like everyone elses. The thought of making everyone happy is still there, of course. But my happiness comes first. How can I fully make anyone else happy if I, myself, am not even happy? 

The day is still bright, and I am fully intending on going for a quick jog, and then also spoiling myself and getting pizza, and watching netflix. I figure, after a good workout, why not just eat what I worked off? 🙂 

I hope everyone enjoys their day, and smiles more than anything. Remember, I will always be here to talk if you’d like. Y’all have been there for me. 🙂